You know your special alone times? When it’s just you in the shower and your thoughts of your art teacher in junior school? Or when everyone in your house has gone out and you put on your old Widget The World Watcher VHS tape?
Did you know you could do those things with other people? You really can put your slippery bits together with someone else and see what happens. It won’t always be the prettiest thing, and to be honest sometimes it can be downright embarrassing, but at least it’s better than cutting a hole in a lamb chop and thinking about the First Team Flyhalf.
The easiest way to get laid these days is through the use of specialised sentences that render people entirely powerless against your sexual charms. People will tell you things like: You should buy a woman at least three meals before you can touch her boobs and You should respect women and make love to their feelings before you encourage them to do demeaning and possibly illegal things involving dwarves and high quality motor oil but to be honest – they’re talking shit.
So before you explode with excitement and suddenly feel dirty, ashamed and entirely uninterested in this piece, let me present you with ten lines to guarantee sex with a person of your choice.
1. Hey gurl, I see you’re walking towards the bathroom. Is that cos you need to piss?
2. Guy: I can’t wait to come across your face!
Girl: But you know me already…
Guy: Waggle eyebrows suggestively and commence with speedy tongue flicking
3. Guy: Do you mind if I name your legs?
Guy: Great – that’s Andre and that’s Peter.
Girl: Why would you name them that?
Guy: When I was in boarding school I would always have sex between them.
4. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want to give me a rimjob now? (Bonus points if you can pull this one off in a tyre shop.)
5. Did you know you’ve got lips just like my dad?
6. What do you like to eat for breakfast in the morning? LEFTOVER SAUSAGE???
7. Nice hips. We should have kids. Insert right index finger through loop made by left index finger and thumb repeatedly.
8. If I was a woman and I met myself, I would definitely not think twice about getting the morning after pill tomorrow.
9. Did you just fart or was that an invitation to browntown?
10. I read HEADLINE payoff.
Thanks for listening. I’m off to the bathroom to uh… um… just pass the hand lotion over there would you… thanks.