The HEADLINE payoff Pledge.

I, Paul White, (also known as HEADLINE payoff, that guy with the beard, the dude with the nice jeans and Jesus Christ how long does it even take him to do his hair in the morning (not as long as you’d think, you unoriginal-question-asking-fucks)) do solemnly swear to provide you with nothing but grade A, butt-grabbing, tongue-kissing, nipple-tweaking writing. No blogging, no cat pictures, no gifs, no memes, no ‘content’, just loads and loads of beautiful text – written by none other than the man whose fingers are tinkling the black plastickies right now.


When people write blogs they like to write about what they are going to do or think they are going to do. They also tend to write blogs about how sorry they are for not blogging. I think that’s a bunch of shit. I’ve barely used this website in the last year or two and that’s because I was busy. And I’m sure you care less than I do about whether I’ve been writing or not. So the good news is, dear reader, even you with the crabclaws is: I’m not a blogger. The only blogger’s event I’ve ever been to I helped organise and while I think it went pretty well, I left early. In fact, my dislike of doing things in general precludes me outright from being a blogger. Also I’m not a mother/foodie/new runner/lifestyle single/rich kid being bankrolled by their parents/fashionista who expects you to be excited because I can dress myself in the morning/streetstyle photographer/whinging BA student trying to find themselves. I’m just some cunt with a computer.

I won’t be asking you for feedback on my new header that some designer friend shat out. I won’t be begging you to vote for me in competitions where the only winners are social media marketers, desperately trying to prove their worth by mentioning some idiot called ROI. I won’t be posting recipes, unless they are to summon demons out of your or someone else’s ass. I won’t be living, laughing or loving. I won’t be following my bliss. I won’t be finding myself. And I most certainly will not be living my #bestlife.

What I will be doing, however, is writing.

So grab your friend, grab yourself but just do not grab me because I don’t like being touched. We’re about to go on a journey through time and space together. It may not be pretty, we may learn things about each other we didn’t want to know, we may puke our pants or even puke someone else’s, but we will most certainly not be blogging.

And if I ever post a single gif, let alone an entire steaming turd of an article filled with them, you have my full permission to burn down this website and come find me and tell me what a bad man I am.


Yours yoursly,