#AskHp – Linen Pants

As you may be aware, I am now running an advice column as a regular feature. It’s as easy as using the #askHp hashtag and seeing if I pay attention. If I do, the chances are pretty high I will be able to use my significant life experience to help you navigate the murkiest of lifewaters. So, the next time someone shits in your milkshake, why not #askHpWhat could go wrong?

Having just dug deep into my pulsating question-sac, I can pull forth this shining question and hold it aloft like some inquisitive trophy; the very flickering Promethean light of human curiosity given form.


How do I tell a girl her linen pants are see through?


Perhaps the best place to begin is with the butt itself. Many people assume that the butt is something that should be hidden, shaped or somehow wrangled. To them I say: pish tosh. I once spent ages following a magical butt around a shopping mall. Arcane mystical tendrils that only I could see burst forth from between those fleshy moons, those chunky more-than-handfuls and beckoned me to follow. I was held in thrall, the butt was a funky spaceship sending out a hypergalactic tractor beam. Each step was an ecstatic prayer as I followed this butt and the hands of my heart flew up into the sky with sheer joy, but as I tailed this tail, I realised this tale would be too titillating to tell. I pulled up short. I reined myself in and put down the cosmic telephone. I ended my communication with the divine and much like a man who has seen the face of god, I have never been the same since.

But enough about butts. Let’s talk about what you can do to tell someone a girl her linen pants are see through.


1. Dress up as a mirror.

This will surely attract attention and encourage people to check themselves out. When said girl comes over to have a look at her outfit, begin whispering, ‘Your pants are see through… Your pants are see through!’ When she says, ‘Fuck me! A talking mirror!’ you should whip off your mirror suit and say, ‘Your damn linen pants are see through and I can see your vrot panty.’

2. Leave an anonymous sticky note.

On her ass.

3. Take some pictures of the ass and put them up in public. 

Someone in the office in which I work has a habit of taking shirtless selfies. I print them all out and stick them up in the office whenever they appear. I think it’s working.

4. Hack into the ass.

If you have your level 7 ass hacking badge (if you aren’t a member of Rump Scouts then what the hell have you been doing with your life?) you should be able to hack into the vast majority of asses you will encounter in the wild. Anyone wearing linen pants probably only has up to level 3 ass firewalls and these should be easy enough to bypass. Once you have hacked into the ass, I would suggest running the :PowerTwerk: command. This command overrides the muscle fibres of the ass and causes it to become both rhythmic and powerful. Couple this command with the linen pants and one can expect nothing short of a bootyquake. Once the ass has broken free from the pants, you are well within your rights to point out to the owner of said ass that linen is hardly a sufficient casing for an ass running the :PowerTwerk: command. Your victim, none the wiser, will be forced to reconsider their future hiney housings.

5. Wear your own see through linen pants.

This will signal to the owner of the ass that linen pants can indeed be see through. Once this has been acknowledged I suggest you both come visit me so I can inspect just how see through these pants are, so that I may give my professional opinion.


Yours bouncing across fleshy hillocks,



And there you have it folks and folkettes. Please feel free to ask me for advice on my twitter account using the #askHp hashtag.


Header image: © Raimond Spekking / CC BY-SA 4.0 (via Wikimedia Commons)

Original file can be found here.