If you’ve been alive since you were born, the chances are you have experienced stress at some stage in your life. Perhaps your Uncle Bobo took you to the cart races when you really wanted to see the cliff diving. Perhaps your mother dressed you up as a full tea set and dunked rusks in your upturned mouth.
Whatever the case – no one really cares. Not even the people who say they do. Everyone is too busy thinking about themselves. Take my internal monologue for example:
I wonder what cats do when no one’s watching them… Boobs are great aren’t they … Tori Spelling is so uglyhot … People always tell me to have fun but I don’t know where to get it … Why do people care so much about cars … Thongs hey wow … I wonder what’s for lunch … I should mow the lawn when I get home … Imagine if you could see people naked at will … Imagine sticking your finger down between those two clammy moons, those twin fleshy orbs, those verdant turgid coconuts as the top of her ass sticks out … I wish Leslie Nielsen raised me as his own … Imagine having a boob that grew under the bed and you could just get down there and squeeze it whenever you wanted …
That’s why you need to internalise and bottle up your stress or, if you’d rather not cry in the bathrooms during lunch like someone who has eye-diarrhoea, try out Headline Payoff’s Stress Relieving Techniques. Pronounced HuPSuRT.
One: Like, don’t let it get to you man.
Just think about how many colours there are in the world man. Like at least 200. That’s 200 reasons to be happy. All the way from like, a Rambunctious Red through to a Minty and Refreshing Green. Orange you glad you aren’t a dog?
Two: Count your blessings
Before they’ve hatched. Just remember that two eggs in your hand are better than one sausage in the bush. And just because you’re in a glass house doesn’t mean you don’t have the stones to take the dog’s breakfast that is your life and pull up your socks before you’re in for the high jump.
Three: Change your ‘tude dude
‘Imagine a surfing cat. He’s just chillin’. He’s carving up some gnarly waves and throwin’ up the horns to the bodacious babes on the beach. He’s wearing baggy surf shorts and his eight nipples are glistening saltily.
Once he’s in to shore, he’ll get onto his skateboard and go cruising through the streets as the sun goes down.
A palm tree.’
Replay this scene in your head when you’re stressed and you’ll be chilled in no time.
Four: Get Assfirmations
Assfirmations are very similar to affirmations, except they are embossed onto plastic plates you sit on, bare-botty of course. Just sitting there for half an hour every morning with the words: I am one / With the world being imprinted on your left and right butt cheeks respectively can make you really feel… at one with the world.
There are a few other assfirmations you could consider:
I am worthy / Of a steak
I deserve the hair / Of Jon Bon Jovi
This one time / At band camp
Billy / Joel is super great, even when he gets older and a little heftier and much sweatier on stage because In The Middle Of The Night is such a great song not to mention Uptown Girl and some song about a piano or some shit.
(The previous assfirmation is only for people with one very large right butt cheek)
Five: Stop bitching
Just shut up. How many limbs do you have? Six? Congratulations – you’re a genetic freak and you should be thankful.
Oh, you have lobster claws? Guess who doesn’t need to buy can openers for the rest of their life? That’s a saving of at least R64.30 over your lifetime.
Yours ohming while listening to a Deepkak Chopra tape,