Paul White

Writer

Popular articles

by Paul White

All articles

by Paul White

 

#AskHp – Linen Pants

How do I tell a girl her linen pants are see through?
Continue reading...

 

The HEADLINE payoff Pledge.

I am not a blogger.
Continue reading...

 

On New York

Did I find myself in New York? No.
Continue reading...

 

We Were Good Then

My grandfather gave me a ring a few days ago.
Continue reading...

 

The Problem with Bucket Lists

When you are a child, you have no real concept of death.
Continue reading...

 

You must have a lot of time on your hands

There is a certain phrase, which languishes next to old Justin Bieber ticket stubs and golf score cards in pleated chino pockets.
Continue reading...

 

Being a fancyman isn’t easy

My reluctance to engage in manly endeavours has seen me land in a number of embarrassing situations.
Continue reading...

 

Five things they don’t tell you about life

There is no soul waiting room where we hang around before popping into a body.
Continue reading...

 

Five things to make you not feel so awful

Life sucks. These five things make it better.
Continue reading...

 

From the air

There are brief moments of blinding clarity that flit into your consciousness like moths and explode with magic dust. They occur in strange places and at strange times, but in my experience they tend to occur at least 30 000 feet above the ground.
Continue reading...

 

On the subject of terminology related to sexual encounters

This is clearly related to the physical action of sex, the very repeated insertion of a sperm spout into a baby receptacle (if you’re being boring).
Continue reading...

 

Five Ways to Cope With Stress

No one really cares. Not even the people who say they do. Everyone is too busy thinking about themselves.
Continue reading...

 

How to derail a conversation in the modern era

Sometimes, we are presented with situations in our lives where we need to nod politely at people until they shut up.
Continue reading...

 

How to be pretentious in the modern era

There was no cocktail weenie. The weenie was inside you all the time.
Continue reading...

 

Things They Don’t Tell You About Being A Man

I was just seven years old and had to strip down to my bright red underpants in the school staff room so that a middle aged lady could check to see that my balls had had enough of hanging around in my abdominal cavity and had dropped into my nutsack like an excited teenager flopping onto a couch.
Continue reading...

 

The Five Types of Hangover.

If you’re someone who has a social life, the chances are you’ve over-imbibed at some stage in your life. And as varied as the world is, so are the hangovers we suffer as punishment.
Continue reading...

 

Five Things About Growing Older in the Modern Era

So there I was, living my life, when death placed a bony hand on my shoulder and breathed his icy breath into my ear, as cold as Pluto’s heart.
Continue reading...

 

Five ways to reinvigorate your relationship

If you’re single – good for you. I’m sure you go to the movies on your own and have feelings and take bubble baths and contemplate poetry and sit around next to windows staring out just waiting for a soul mate.
Continue reading...

 

The Punctuation Personality Test

Many people aren’t that sure if they really know themselves. For example: Do I prefer stockings or paving? I’m not sure.
Continue reading...

 

Moths and tuna mayonnaise sandwiches

Fate, random events, Jesus shooting little moths out of a plastic gun when I wasn’t looking… I can’t speculate on the Wheres Whos Hows and Whys of the situation, but when a captured moth and a tuna mayonnaise sandwich collided in a dusty, wheaty mess my young life was never the same.
Continue reading...

 

Culture is Accelerating

I remember when I was twelve years old. I had two Alternative Press magazines and a Hit Parader I got from The Kilo Book Shop. They taught me all I needed to know about the world – KoRn is awesome. Marilyn Manson is scary (but awesome). Metallica T-Shirts are awesome.
Continue reading...

 

Piss Shivers

There’s a detailed description of the male orgasm inside me, waiting to burst forth and leave your eyes sticky with gloopy adjectives and pumping verbs.
Continue reading...

 

Five Things You Should Know As An Adult

Did you know that in the 80s they had entire parties where all they would do was sell plastic storage goods to each other?
Continue reading...

 

Death Grips

It’s been a long time since I’ve heard an album that frightened me.
Continue reading...

 

Dates

There’s something undeniably enticing about dates, those sweet little packages of middle-eastern promise. They conjure up images of camels and kaftans, nomadic tribesmen and terrible, smelly beards.
Continue reading...

 

Fitting in in the modern era

If you are the pencil-thin, black-painted penis of gothdom, inserting yourself into the hairy, rubbed-raw vagina of the outdoor enthusiast you are going to have a few problems.
Continue reading...

 

Ten great pickup lines to get you laid

You know your special alone times? When it’s just you in the shower and your thoughts of your art teacher in junior school? Or when everyone in your house has gone out and you put on your old Widget The World Watcher VHS tape?
Continue reading...

 

Doing it with Ms Noble

I’m not sure how many of you enjoy the sound of your own voice. For me, it’s difficult. In fact, it’s pretty bad. I wouldn’t say that I have a bad voice, but I know I don’t have a smooth, creamy voice like your average radio person. Where your average DJ’s voice is somewhere in the whipping cream category (soft, smooth and silky), I see (or is that hear?) mine as more of a dried out feta, or a hardened parmesan.
Continue reading...

 

The Vital Importance Of Being Important

As I spend more time as a member of this planet, I realise more things. One of those things is that I will never be Important. It’s difficult to swallow, like a tuna can.
Continue reading...

 

How To Cope With Life In The Modern Era

Welcome. Please pull up a chair and sit around this ladder. I will climb it, dressed like Abraham Lincoln in a tutu and address you. My name is Paul White and I am a demotivational speaker. Now that you are all comfortable, let’s begin our lesson.
Continue reading...

 

Five signs you need a girlfriend

In the land of the no-handed, the one-armed man is king. That was a masturbation joke. If you don’t get it, well perhaps you would appreciate this one: You can jerk off a man for a day and make him happy, or you can teach him how to jerk off and make him happy for life.
Continue reading...

 

Five things not to do at the urinal

If you own a penis, or if you have one of those weird lady-funnel things you can buy on the Internet, you have probably used a urinal. It is not always easy and it is not always fun. Sometimes it is downright scarring. Here are five tips that could help you in your future urinal usage, or more likely help people like me who find urinals utterly terrifying.
Continue reading...

 

Five things I have thought about in lifts

I got in the lift this morning and shared it with a man with a real prow of a stomach. I imagine him sailing through corridors throughout the city, his stomach looking somewhat naked without a figurehead jutting forth triumphantly. On the other hand, finding shirts to fit a large wooden mermaid attached to your stomach must be quite difficult.
Continue reading...

 

Ashtray Electric – Here Comes The Rain Again

In fact, my original partner on HEADLINE payoff was Rudi Cronje – the champ rhythm guitarist who smokes cigarettes on stage and makes young ladies swoon all over the country. The amount of boobs that have been seen by those wily eyes must number in the thousands. I’m really quite surprised his eyes haven’t turned into nipples by now.
Continue reading...

 

What your sneeze says about you

There are very many ways that people claim to be able to tell your personality (where the stars were when you were pulled from your mother’s vagina into this cesspit of a world, screaming and crying or even the way your tea leaves randomly organise themselves on the bottom of your teacup as you speak to a conperson). But in my experience, there is not much that is more indicative of your personality than the way you sneeze.
Continue reading...

 

How to cope with relationships in the modern era

Hello and welcome, please pull up a seat. Take any one you’d like – the antique Louis XIV, the Ant chair, or even that chaise longue shaped like a Freudian tongue.

Let me just spit this pencil out of my mouth, lest my Freudian slips become slips of the tongue. Indeed, if Dr Freud were at our meeting – he would find my constant messing with my tie, eating of bananas, sucking of pens and licking of cucumbers to be a little… suggestive.
Continue reading...

 

How to win at life (Part One)

I see you there, hiding behind your insecurities. Don’t worry. That’s me, I’m the one hiding behind my own. That little hand waving at you from behind that big piece of cardboard labelled “Paul White’s impressive list of insecurities,” is me.
Continue reading...

 

Breaking up in the modern era

Has your life ever sounded like this?

– It’s not you… it’s me.

– I just need some time to find myself.

– I don’t think I can do this any more.

– I think we’re just growing in different directions, you know?
Continue reading...

 

The problem with old people in any era

Modern science is great. It has allowed us to live longer, become stronger, abort foetuses that don’t suit us too much, stave off cancer and whiten our teeth. Unfortunately, modern science and medical advancements have resulted in a rather frightening phenomenon: a plethora of old people.
Continue reading...

 

How to be Interesting

Jambo! Let me just put down this ancient Chinese burial mask I collected at masturbation camp in Tibet next to my mp5 player (yeah, it’s not available to the General Public yet). And while I’m here I may as well take off this wig made from the dreams of Barack Obama and sit down on this chair that was hewn from a single rock of Lance Armstrong’s self-belief.
Continue reading...